This is by far going to be the hardest post to write. I’ve thought about it for awhile if I really wanted to broadcast these thoughts and feelings on the internet but then I thought to myself why not? It could maybe help someone who reads this to know they aren’t alone, or maybe help open someones eyes to know little bit more about the subject.
Lets be honest, so many people turn a blind eye to mental illness, because what even is “mental illness” and yeah, how dare I say something that like but its true. Everyone takes two seconds out of their day once a year for bell lets talk to post on social media about it but other than that, how often do you ACTUALLY see people talking about it who are not suffering from one?
I’d like to introduce you to my two best friends. Anxiety and Depression. For me personally, i’ve had anxiety for most of my life. So many years of my life I had it without even realizing I had it because it simply was not talked about. When I was in high school I remember waking up in the morning and feeling physically ill but I had no idea it was because of anxiety until later on in my life. I still have so many days where when I wake up in the morning the thought of even leaving the house drives me into a state of panic and feeling physically ill. Then with having anxiety, I could never forget about my other best friend depression. Depression definitely joined the party later on in my life, I would say in high school for sure but again without knowing what it was or why it was there. For the past couple years its mostly been anxiety but the last four months depression has been right along side me with no signs of departing.
I’ve had my trial and errors with anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications but they always made me feel awful with the different side effects and they made me feel like I wasn’t even me anymore, almost like I wasn’t even human. I will admit that I do have quite a few bad days, more so often than good days as of late but i’m trying to work on that as best I can. It is hard without being on medication I will admit that, because it did help me regulate my feelings which was helpful for day to day life. Once I went off of the medication I would be pretty solid for at least a month without having any major episodes and then after that it would kind of start to go downhill again and I would just have to start talking myself down quite a bit, it was an ongoing thing of being on meds and being off meds that after awhile I was just done and couldn’t do it anymore so I stopped and just figured I would rather find a way to deal with it myself than to not even feel human.
After some time, and when my anxiety was getting to an all time high, I decided to start taking CBD oil. And boy was that life changing. CBD oil has helped my anxiety in so many ways and I have no weird side effects like I did from being on medications. I was nervous to try it at first and I’m not really sure why I was but ever since then its been a very trusty sidekick for me to help me get by day to day. Yes there are somedays where I can manage without it but then theres days where I feel like even if I were to drink the whole bottle it wouldn’t help me, but hey mental illness ain’t easy.
I’m not going to come on here and paint a pretty picture for you because that would just be a lie. I wish I could tell you i’ve had more good days than bad ones, and retrospectively I probably have but in the last while I can’t say that I have, but that is okay.
It’s all ok.